My Fair Bernard

Bernard Walton arrives to wash the windows at Mr. Jones's shop only to find he is no longer wanted. Mr. Jones has switched to a brand-new janitorial service run, of all people, by Bart Rathbone, who owns an electronics store but has decided to expand into Bernard's territory. Bart cheerfully explains that his hot new radio ads and lower prices are going to lure away plenty of Bernard's customers, and Bernard storms off vowing to fight back.

Meanwhile, Edwin Blackgaard has troubles of his own. While Whit helps him haul theater props, Edwin complains that his upbeat, entertaining family shows never attract important reviews. The one critic who could put the Harlequin Theater on the map is Rosencrantz Guildenstern, the most influential reviewer in the tri-state area, but Guildenstern is said to prefer harsh, realistic dramas about human struggle. Whit tells Edwin to be proud of the quality theater he has brought to Odyssey and to keep to the high road, but Edwin keeps scheming for a way to get Guildenstern in the door.

At Whit's End, Bernard hears Bart's radio ad for himself, complete with insults about streaky windows and half-empty trash cans. Whit reminds him that Bart has every right to compete and that Bernard's quality work will win out in the end, but Bernard insists he must fight fire with fire and make radio ads of his own. He takes his plea to Blackgaard, who refuses to produce ads but offers something he calls even better: a stage play about Bernard's life, the classic tale of the little man battling insurmountable odds. Bernard is dazzled by talk of becoming a rising star, while Edwin privately gloats that a gritty drama about a window washer is exactly the sort of production Guildenstern raves about.

After weeks of acting lessons - including pretending to be a tree, a dirt clod, and a chicken - Edwin has Bernard improvise his life story to pounding drums, transforming his memories of dust and drains into grand declarations about a boy born a pauper with a squeegee in his hand who rises to proclaim, "I am janitor." Opening night arrives with a full house, and Guildenstern himself takes his seat while a giddy Edwin fawns over him. But backstage, Bart drops by to wish Bernard luck and slip in a jab: the play may tell people all about Bernard's life, but when folks want their windows washed, they will still call Rathbone's. Bernard realizes with horror that Bart is right.

So once the curtain rises, Bernard takes matters into his own hands. Every time Edwin delivers a soaring dramatic line, Bernard tacks on a commercial for Walton's Janitorial Services, complete with phone number and a two-for-one drain special. A frantic Edwin orders Shakespeare to ring down the curtain, which lands squarely on both performers while Bernard keeps shouting his number from underneath it.

Afterward, as Edwin mourns his ruined reputation, Guildenstern appears backstage to say thank you for a wonderful evening. It turns out the famous critic actually loves upbeat, entertaining family shows - that is exactly why he came, having heard Blackgaard puts them on well - and he promises to return for the next production. Edwin is overjoyed. Then Mr. Jones arrives with good news of his own: Rathbone's cleanup service has done such shoddy work that he wants Bernard back on the job first thing in the morning. Bernard admits Whit was right all along - there is no substitute for good, honest, quality work - while across town Bart begs Blackgaard for acting lessons of his own, only to be told the theater is out of the image-building business.